Proverbs 5:18 (ESV)
[18] Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
We have all heard the sayings "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," and "familiarity breeds contempt." If these are true then marriage is the one relationship in which contempt can grow more easily than love. In marriage we see each other warts and all. We experience each other's frustrating, irritating and/or downright disgusting habits. We wake up with bad breath and hair standing on end. We can easily become disgusted with the smallest differences like squeezing the toothpaste, dumping out a glass before putting it in the sink, or where you put your empty hangers. In the grand scheme of things we all acknowledge that these things are of no significance, yet they can easily irritate us like a pebble in our shoe.
Proverbs instructs men to rejoice in the wife of their youth. I don't believe that instruction becomes any less important when it is the wife of our old age. Men, we need to learn to intentionally rejoice in our wife. Women, it is no less important that you intentionally rejoice in your husband. If we think for a bit about what hinders this in our relationships we can perhaps discover some tips for learning to rejoice in our spouse. Several things come to mind as I think this through, but let me mention three.
First, what we focus on is what we see. Most of us have had the experience of driving with a smudge or squashed bug on our windshield. If we are focused on the road the smudge on the windshield can become almost forgotten, but if we focus on the smudge pretty soon it is all that we see. It becomes an irritating force in our life that is almost unbearable. We have to stop and clean the windshield. Even when it is clean we think maybe we can still see it. That smudge has become our focus. In the same way, an irritating habit can become almost uncontrollably irritating if we are focused on it. But, it can become inconsequential if we learn to focus on the good things in our spouse instead of that one irritating habit. If we are to rejoice in our spouse then we need to learn to intentionally remind ourselves of all the good, commendable and positive qualities of this person we married. We need to learn to shift our focus from the negative to the positive.
Second, what we look at shapes our perception. That may sound similar to that last paragraph, but I mean something different by it. Pornography, glossy, polished, staged photos or videos of "beautiful people," and fantasy drummed up in fiction and imagination all work to build in our minds unrealistic expectations that no human can possibly meet. A photo of a desert can look lonely and enticing, but what we do not see is the slum to the photographer's back, or the crowds and buildings just outside the frame of the shot. An airbrushed photo is always more perfect than the actual person. Pornography is fiction of the most destructive kind because it builds in one's mind unrealistic expectations of what a spouse should be, do or look like. What we see shapes our perception and therefore our expectations. Discontent easily creeps in. The world likes to tell us who the most beautiful or desirable person in the world is, but even the most beautiful person is never always beautiful. Even the most desirable person is never always desirable. We need to avoid and reject the lies these images try to sell us. We need to stop exposing ourselves to the lies, recognize them for what they are, and learn to see the beauty in each person, and especially in our spouse.
Finally, we need to recognize that when we are centered on ourselves everyone will sometimes disappoint us and no one will always make us happy. Self-centeredness will destroy a relationship in a heartbeat. Unfortunately most relationships are started selfishly. We meet someone who excites us, or interests us, or makes us feel special in some way, and we think that we are in love. We can't stop thinking about them and we can't bear to be apart from them so it must be love. What we don't realize is that what we are experiencing is much more closely aligned with lust than love. It is about me. Love is about others. In marriage two self-centered individuals will ultimately clash. It is possible to rejoice for a time in an individual who is subservient and who simply acquiesces to our every whim and desire, but even that will usually turn to contempt. What God designed marriage to be is a partnership, not a servant/master relationship. If I am to learn to rejoice in my wife then, I need to be more concerned about her than I am about myself. That is love.
Focusing in the good rather than the bad, rejecting the lies of the world and intentionally looking for the beauty in our spouse, and focusing on serving rather than being served will go a long way toward learning to rejoice in our spouse.
Father, I confess that I have not consistently done this, but I desire to. Would you quickly bring these truths back to my mind when I begin to wander. Thank you!
By His grace,
Rick Weinert
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